On Uncertainty (Part 2)

On of my favourite books that I have ever read is The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. Partially because it was situated in one of my favourite time periods to study in history - Cold War era, but also because I wrote some of my best literary essays on the book.

I have to thank my HS English teacher - Mr. McGowan to introducing me to such post-modernist literature and teaching me to study literature effectively. To be fair, this is more of a recent take.

I had a different attitude towards him during school. English class was awful for me - he would never give me higher than a 6 (out of 7) in any of my assignments. When I pestered him on how to get a 7, he would say 'I don't know, but to be honest, asking me won't give you the answer.' and this answer would irk me so much.

Ironically for me, this was a core philosophy that Milan Kundera wrote in support of The Unbearable Lightness of Being. In a nutshell, Kundera attached Nietzsche's idea of eternal return - that the idea that everything has already occurred and will continue to occur for infinity - every joy, every sadness that a person feels will reoccur to that person for an infinite amount of times. He instead argued that this eternal return is nonsense, because man has only one choice to take at a certain time, and truly no one knows if he or she made the right choice. In other words, the freedom of choice to do what one wants is the lightness of 'being.' However, this 'lightness' is unbearable, because it is far more bearable for one to be weighed down with the consciousness that choices that affect others. Fundamentally, the very qualities that make a human - commitment, empathy, love, to name a few, despite being the potential to be incredibly painful (i.e the uncertainty of everything), is still much easier to bear than the unbearable lightness of being (absolute certainty of one's choice).

But now, as I continue my uncertainty series, I look back and realise that Mr. McGowan and Kundera really shared the same philosophy - I always took his answer at face value - he refused to give me a 7 because he didn't want to. However, what he really meant was by giving me certainty in what makes a 7 level essay, would end up making me unoriginal in my effort, and that would never end up scoring high. He wanted me to believe in the uncertainty of the novel, the uncertainty of the reader trying to decipher the author's message, because thats where the originality is born.

But on a more serious note, where we talk about uncertainty being so fundamentally human, it has the potential to bring great pain. I had only met a cousin of mine once - he was older than me by 2 years - so I called him 'Choto' Dada - meaning a young older brother. To be honest, I don't know much about him - like I said, I only met him once when I was super young. He was in Russia studying to be a doctor in Volgograd, and he would have been a doctor in July.

About 4 weeks ago, he was diagnosed with metastasized cancer. 3 weeks ago, he got on a plane and went back to India to be hospitalized there due to lack of adequate cancer care in Volgograd and despite being in great pain. 2 weeks ago he was admitted, and it became known that he also got infected with Covid. Almost a week ago, he passed away.

By itself, on words, it doesn't do justice. His friends went above and beyond in Russia to get him back home. My parents helped coordinate his flights, hospital admission, doctors. Extended family made accommodations for his family to be near him. In the final battle, everyone fought.

Perhaps, what made me realise how little I know about anything, was Choto Dada's reaction. In one of the last photos I saw of him, I saw him smiling. Despite everything, he was smiling with warmth in his eyes. He smiled in the face of his great uncertainty.

It reminded me of Unbearable Lightness of Being, that Kundera was right, how we choose to deal with uncertainty is perhaps the most human trait of all.

And there was me, being worried about not being able to do my hw, do a good PhD, get research ideas- I am often anxious when things don't go according to my plans, or when things are not on schedule; I mean it would be false to say that I can control it, my brain goes into overdrive over a lot of small things if they are out of place.

A common asian trope is that we are often compared to our older siblings and cousins and we hate it, but this time around, I genuinely hope one day I can be as courageous as he was. Every time I start to get overwhelmed with the uncertainty of everything, this time I am going to try to smile and walk through.