On (re)learning to live alone

To be or not to be - Shakespeare had famously said; I still really don't understand what he meant by that, then again English was never my strong subject at school.

One of the biggest pet peeves that I had reading literature was that we were always tasked to find what the author meant in his work and there are hidden messages that the author has left for us to decode his work; I didn't really subscribe to that school of thought. Reading after all is a two-way street - the author sends their message to the reader who interprets it in their way. Words evoke different reactions in people; I am willing to bet that authors aren't some omniscient deity to whom we should respect their work with utmost reverence - every action every sentence part of a broader architectural plan. I sometimes just think Shakespeare, and others were being lazy and decided to go with the first random thought that popped into their heads.

Here's the scene I imagine happening while Shakespeare was writing Hamlet.

Shakespeare: Damn, I need a way for Hamlet to say he's having an existential crisis. What should I say such that people understand that he's having a crisis? I know - I am going to have him say a phrase that flagrantly violates the rules of grammar and hence makes it difficult to decipher. To be or not to be.

If I wrote a sentence with a serious grammatical lapse, I would get points taken off for incorrect use of language!

I have a feeling that he's rolling around in his grave snickering that his bad grammar poem start became a famous quote of the English language, and spawned its own definition.

But I digress, the real purpose of this rant was to show that thanks to bad grammar, we have ambiguity, and as the reader, I am free to make my own conclusions.

To me, to be or not to right now mean that should I be living alone or should I be living back home with my parents. This COVID situation made it that I moved back home mid-March of this year. I ended up staying for 6 months with my parents until I started grad school. Since grad-school is zoom classes this quarter, I had, in theory, an option to continue staying home with my parents.

It is wild to think that I was already living alone for 2 and a half years before that because in 6 months, I felt that I had never even left home in the first place. Mom cooking meals, dad doing laundry, me sleeping in every day - I had completely lost my own sense of identity as a college student. It genuinely felt like I was back in school.

Was it great? Yes, I had legitimately nothing to worry about when it came to just staying alive - no more worrying about money - I could buy anything at the grocery store! I think I gave my dad several mini-heart attacks every time I came back with the grocery bill.

I could cook anything I wanted, or when I wanted to. I didn't have to wash dishes every day. I didn't have to do clean things solo. Classes were easier, as more of my mental energy was refocused on them.

I would get bone-crushing hugs from mom, and my dad would use me as a body pillow in the night. I now realise that regular touch is quite important for mental health.

Now that I'm living alone again and facing these challenges; how dearly do I wish for these to come back.

But, if I really think about it, would it be a good thing to continue?

No, absolutely not.

I had really lasped on my responsibility and judgment during the time; I paid dearly for it. I didn't do my fair share of work, and now everything seems like a pain. Falling asleep was very easy, now I struggle to close out my mind. I depended on my parents to tell me when to eat, shower, or work. I had not expected these to be the results, and they were scary experiences to be aware of, and not have much control over, especially the one that dealt with my lapse of judgment. As a 20-year-old about to start one of the toughest parts of his career, it really isn't a good sign when my mom says that to go change my clothes and take a shower because I am starting to stink.

So, it turns out Hamlet ( and by proxy Shakespeare) was right about to be or not to be. Even though its much easier to not be, it's far more important for the mind to suffer, because at least I can expect the troubles heading my way, and try my best to prepare against them. The other alternative, where I don't see what's coming, I can't accept that.

So, I will try to relearn to live alone, but at least this time, I know what's coming because I had my first rodeo with it during undergrad. Is this going better than in undergrad? I have no idea, but you know what - the most important thing is that I am trying - trying to form new relationships, trying to cook regularly and healthy, trying to get a healthy sleep schedule and regular excercise, etc. I am glad to be trying because I know there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks Shakespeare for providing life advice to a Ph.D. student, again which I am quite sure was probably not your intention when you wrote Hamlet!

The very first meal I cooked when lived alone for the first time at Undergrad.