On my Indian identity

What does it mean to be Indian? - I definitely do not know.

The first time I was aware of me being an Indian in America came in filling out forms - there was never an option for Indian - the sole option was Asian - and I remember how I would feel conflicted putting down Asian, as there was no other option that was closer.

The second time I became more aware was in school - in the early grade school years, I was treated differently by others. I was never the popular guy - and when I sat at the lunch table with the other white people, it would be very alienating. Furthermore, I was expected to be good at science and math - so it came as a surprise that I struggled heavily in those subjects.

The third time came even more prominently in middle school - suddenly, bringing home-cooked meals to school was more embarrassing than the enjoyment of eating it due to the strong smell that remained afterwards on my clothes. I became painfully aware that I was never going to be accepted by others if I didn't shed my "Indian-ness" whether it came from the way I spoke to the very foods I ate.

My peers at high-school for a long time didn't know what nationality I was - I didn't speak with an Indian accent, I didn't eat Indian foods, and I didn't smell like an Indian - I remember a guy being surprised that I was even Indian - he proclaimed - "Woah bro, I thought you were Moroccan/Middle Eastern. How come you don't smell like curry if your Indian?"

In the midst of all of this, I also lost any resemblance of a Hindu - I eat beef, haven't prayed in several years now, never read the Bhagavad Gita. I was born into an initially religious family, but somehow I never made the connection to the many themes and theology in Hinduism. Pooja's were as alien as to me as the July 4th American Independence Day - these events were there for people to enjoy - I never really understood the deeper meanings behind them, and honestly, I didn't try too. In the same way, the percentage of Indian friends dwindled from practically 100% to almost 0 now.

And you might be wondering, did I ever regret forcing myself to change and diminish my "indian-ness"?

Not really.

Bengali Indian culture is very conservative and in general seeing how girls, women, LGTBQ+ people are treated there, and any non-Hindu's - I am glad that I wasn't raised in that environment - my mom being a strong independent woman who embraced different cultures and didn't hesitate to call out injustice where she saw it, my dad by challenging commonly held beliefs - it really helped me break past my closed-mindset of being an Indian in America. They helped show that in order to be a good person - it's about remaining open to several ideas and its ok that your identity changes alongside.

But going back - there were some things that constantly irked me - just like the days when I was shunned because I smelled bad, to the time when I am filling out forms that ask my ethnicity, to people assuming that I know math.

It always felt that being an Indian in America is non-existent - its being the token minority Asian that knows how to work with computers and technology. I always wondered - is this the cost that I pay to be a first gen Indian-immigrant? that I will be relegated to the sidelines, and not allowed to participate in society?

I held this view for a long time, until I found Preet Bharara - the former attorney for SDNY, known as the "Crusader of Wall Street." This guy is fantastic - he went after Wall Street and succeeded - he had a string of 86 consecutive wins in court, closed down hedge funds, investigated politicians, reached settlement deals with massive investment banks. I took an instant liking to him - here is an Indian at the federal level going after upper social classes, here is an Indian who made it to the top, and here is an Indian who was respected by everyone (well not everyone, but you get the idea).

The one thing that really stands out to me is his Harvard Class Day Speech - he talks about how he faced his Indian Identity crises when he prosecuted Devyani Khobragade. I remember him saying that even though he was targeted by the Indian media, got called a puppet, and everything in between - he still stuck to his job - came in everyday and did his best work at the SDNY. His saying was that his race and identity should have no play in his work and what is far more important is the ability to do good work with a strong moral and humble conviction, even if society throws it back at you.

Although he is very idealistic on the race identity (as BLM protests have shown), he does bring up an interesting point - the fundamental question of race identity is up to the person - the person can choose how to play it whether to define who you are, or not. He was ok going against the grain of being an Indian, and furthermore against being an American when he prosecuted Wall Street, the symbol of American Capitalism. He was ok being himself standing out in the storm, and he made me realise that its ok that I don't feel Indian, nor if I don't feel American, or European.

The true fact of the matter is not to let biases over-color your worldview - after all adaptation and change is a natural part of life. Much easier said than done!